Satire stories about an artist or bands. Just plain fugly stories!

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10-4-13 Dead To The World, Blackmarket Syndicate.

10.9.13 We made it to Fitzgerald's to check out Dying Fetus, Exhumed and Waking the Cadaver.

Battle of the bands at Fitzgerald's!!

Scale The Summit & The Reign of Kindo.

1.18.14 HRA, Oath of Cruelty, Hel-Razor at Rudyard's

2.2.14 Fuglmanics made it to Fitzgerald's. Toxic Holocaust,Exhumed, Mammoth Grinder and Ramming Speed.

 

**NEW** Metal Bulletin #47

Witchmaster (Poland): Antichristus Ex Utero (Osmose Productions) Zero Down: No Limit to the Evil (Minotauro Records) Gomorrah (U.S.): To the Depths Holy Shire (Italy): Midgard (Bakerteam Records)

 

The new issue is here. As you already know prepare yourself for some new music and new bands. He even tells you where to get free stuff! Enjoy...

 

11.4.14 Dead Label! at Rudyard's.

Dead Label!Dead Label! just got done recording their new album "Throne of Bones" due out early 2015.. After realizing they still had over a month left in their visas they decided to hit the road. They are due out of the country Nov. 29th 2014. Little did they know you can drive for days and still not reach your destination. They have hit Oregon, Washington, Wyoming, Florida just to name a few states.

They drove over twenty hours to Texas do a gig in Houston. San Antonio & Dallas here they come. We are glad we made it to this show. All three in their mid 20's with a burning desire to get their name out there. Showing the american metal heads what they are all about. After listening to 'Sense of Slaughter' I realized that this band is built to play live.

These guys and gal (Claire-Drums) are built for speed. They are aggressive, fast and loud. Calire on drums has a thundering sound and Dan on vocals is vicious. Danny is the man in charge of delivering the shredd....

Setlist: Throne of Bones, Salvation in Sacrifice, Are you Ready To Kill?, Ominous, Sense of Slaughter, Exhume The Venom, Void

SEE FOR YOURSELF!!

 

 

 Dead Label! just wants to play live infront of you! Is that simple. Trust us when we say they kick ass live, After the NEW album drops "Throne of Bones" they are hoping to get back here with an official tour. The way we figure, if they are good enough to win Ireland's battle of the bands contest and good enough to open for Machine Head they MUST be doing something right...support & your LUCK with change!

The band started in November '08. Competed in and won the All Ireland Battle of the Bands "The Crypt Trials" in October 2009. Recorded our debut Self-Titled E.P. in October 2010. Releasing our debut album "Sense of Slaughter" via Nuerra Records March 2013. New album "Throne of Bones" coming early 2015 (Facebook page)

Members: Dan O' Grady--Bass and Vocals

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Danny Hall-Guitar

Claire Percival--Drum

Hometown: Celbridge, Ireland

https://www.facebook.com/DeadLabel

 

Houston, Texas mark your calendar:

Savage Master, Friday, November 14 / Rudyards Pub

Supporting their brand new album Mask of the Devil. Check 'em out!

https://www.facebook.com/savagemaster666/app_2405167945

Savage Master

Five Regular Dudes from Detroit Thrashing and Melting Faces across the world. In Stores and On Tour NOW!
'War of Will' iTunes: http://ow.ly/mUW7G

Wednesday, December 3 / Warehouse Live

Hod (U.S.): Book of the Worm (Arctic Music Group)

 

Hod 'Book of the Worm' CD

Given that Hod’s last studio album “Serpent” is from 2009, and that it wasn’t always clear that this new one would ever be published, I can tell you that this material sounds carefully crafted and ready for scrutiny. Hod works with riffs that the listener into this style will notice for the quality and effort. You see, the Texas metal veterans are old-minded, experienced when it comes to their black/thrash/death metal. To me, Hod takes Possessed’s spirit of “Seven Churches” and the ire of Thornspawn, for a sound between black/thrash/death, war metal and black metal. Speaking of Possessed, Hod’s first track “When the Ghouls Feed” channels the classic Possessed trait of song intro buildup (as found on “Burning in Hell” or “Holy Hell), but Hod extends the beginning chaos moments, and then unleashes the storm. The band has undoubtedly listened to “Seven Churches” about a million times (notice the guitar tone); add to that the fact that the guitarist Carl Snyder recorded with black metallers Thornspawn from 1997 to 2007 (according to Metal Archives) and you hear Thornspawn’s toxic mix of war and black metal (like “Blood of the Holy, Taint Thy Steel” or “Wrath of War”).

The best thing about Hod is the attention to the songwriting. The band’s lyrics and image would lead you to believe that they are low-life alcoholic unemployed stupid-dangerous hobos on probation, in other words, talentless hacks and worthless trainhopping squatter bums, but the Hod-men are devoted to their field. There is no way that the guitars or songs could be this way without an obsession for detail. You don’t just get up in the morning and “write” these songs drunk and watching television, like some sort of one-note core or groove knuckledragging homeboywalkrespect “metal.” Listen to Hod and compare the riffs, general guitar work, vocals and songs with your favorite 2014 albums so far and you’ll notice that Hod has many qualities that reveal a metal intelligence that is hidden behind the band’s image. Let’s not kid around, Hod is skillful metal that comes from years of serious knowledge and a high IQ in metal.

www.facebook.com/pages/Hod/118127951554999

 

Noble Beast (U.S.): Noble Beast (Tridroid Records)

Do you speak power metal? Well, Noble Beast does! Noble Beast is a “Blind Guardian, Jr.” with a vengeance of ice and snow from the land of ten thousand lakes. Hansi Kürsch-like vocals are at the forefront and the band plays early blindguardianesque fast, thrashy/speedy power metal. Ok, I do not have a legal document of confession from the band, but either I like Blind Guardian too much or Noble Beast likes Blind Guardian too much, or both. For this reason, you should hear the singing with your own ears and see if you like it, given the peculiarity of Kürsch-style vocals. As for the music, the band celebrates with fireworks and unicorns the heritage of heavy metal. The band sounds like they have been working for years on coming up with the perfect power metal shredding and melodies. They present a question to you, dear listener: How much do you like power metal? Well, if you are madforcrazy about it, this band from Minnesota, U.S. would like for you to give the music a listen. You will have stories to tell, and they will, too, because it’s you they like, ugga mugga.

www.facebook.com/noblebeastband www.tridroid.bandcamp.com

 

HELLOWEEN IS ALMOST HERE DRESS UP AS A BLACK METAL HEAD AND SCARE THE KIDS IN THE 'HOOD!

Black Friday = Black Metal 101 (satire: cracked.com)

Black metal is a raw, harsh, underground music played by the mixed offsprings of cave trolls and humans.

Diversity is key in the naming process.

How little we know about these creatures.

Just The Facts

  1. Black metal ist krieg!
  2. Misanthropy, misanthropy, misanthropy.
  3. White noise is referred to as a "killer track".

The History

This is not a history lecture. Neither is it a comprehensive factual collection. If we don't mention something you think deserves to be here, you are wrong. Go back to your cave.

The creation of black metal was initialized in the '80s by thrash metal bands who have adopted a new approach to lyrical themes; basically it was old-school thrash metal with an attitude, in the way wrestling is acting with an attitude. The most notable include Venom, Bathory and Celtic Frost. These guys set up the trail for what's today's definition of black metal.

Under the influence of the aforementioned bands, some new faces formed bands which played a new, extreme and raw type of metal. The setting of the new scene was the country where failing to spell North with a capital N results in capital punishment (read: Norway).

North

You were lucky this time, Wikipedia...

From there it spread mainly to other Scandinavian lands and then throughout the world. Darkthrone, Mayhem, Gorgoroth, Burzum, Immortal and Emperor are names which are most likely to save you from a gruesome death should you ever fall into the hands of black metalheads (from this point on: blackers). Showing knowledge of their idols astonishes the tribe leaders and may give you a couple of moments to make your escape.

The first mention of black metal in the wider media was when Varg Vikernes (aka Burzum) burned the church in Fantoft. He was charged and found not guilty (though the jurors later admitted their mistake). So what did he do after being acquitted? Everything he could that would divert attention from-- wait, no, he put a picture of the church remains on the cover of his "Aske" (Norwegian for "Ashes") album.

Aske cover

Burzum's I totally didn't do it EP

Later on he was charged and found guilty of four more church burnings in the same trial for his most significant of crimes: the high point of his destruction spree came when he killed Ã�ystein Aarseth (aka Euronymous) of Mayhem in a bizarre fashion (that being 20-something cut wounds, with more debates about the exact number than there is LOTR fan fiction). He was sentenced to 21 years in jail and has recently gotten out on parole after serving 15 years. It'd be a fun thing pointing out that he played the card of self-defense.

Varg Vikernes

How could you not trust this guy?

Mayhem was apparently a band that had death very interested, as roughly 3 years prior to the murder of Euronymous, their vocalist Per Yngve Ohlin (who aptly gave himself the stage name Dead) committed suicide in the house owned by the band, by no less than slashing his veins and delivering a shotgun blast to his head. His suicide note read, among a few other lines, "Excuse all the blood. Cheers." At least you can't deny the man's sense of humor. He was discovered by Euronymous who promptly notified the poli-- oh, sorry, we got sidetracked by sanity again: who promptly ran to the store to get a disposable camera and take pictures of the corpse after arranging some items around it to his liking. And supposedly do some more weird shit with it.

In the true spirit of black metal stories, one of the photos was stolen and used, you guessed it, as a cover of an album.

Dawn Of The Black Hearts cover

"Watson, I think I'm seeing a pattern to this madness, I am!"

The Philosophy

Life sucks, give yourself to Satan/the darkness, bring back the Pagan ways, kill yourself, yadda yadda yadda. And black metal ist krieg! That means "black metal is war". A constant war against society's mockery of black metal, we guess. Those are the basic principles that go along with the two black metal commandments:

  1. Thou shalt stay True.
  2. Thou shalt remain underground.

The second one is especially called upon nowadays, since more and more black metal bands are looking to live off their music. The most prominent offenders of both commandments are Dimmu Borgir, the band it's totally cool to hate and make fun of.

Dimmu Borgir

They're to other black metal bands what Jersey Shore is to us.

Though you must admit they're doing some ridiculously elitist stuff like exclusively revealing fragments of the cover work for the new album and exclusively selling their promo single for the new album on iTunes. Even pop stars would call them posers at this point.

The Image

Your usual True blacker will try his best to look like a dying panda.

Gaahl

Norwegian wildlife.

The method is called corpsepainting and has been used before, yet never to this extent. This is the blacker's main defensive mechanism against predators - playing dead, alongside never appearing in public without lots and lots of spikes (the appearance of blackers indoors has not been verified to this day, so we're forced to assume that they wear them constantly, even while masturbating). Being part human after all, blackers are also familiar with weaponry, which includes the occasional sword or axe and the much more often wielded mace.

Immortal

D-FENS!

The Performances

These usually take place at obscure, smoky clubs in front of a handful of people. The most common performance enhancers include fire-spitting and animal blood.

Breathing fire

The heat enables him to wear his tank-top in the winter.

On some occasions, the more creative bands will include things like pig heads, barbed wire and elaborate costumes.

Attila of Mayhem

"This is actually just my bathrobe."

There are also numerous reports of animal rights activists showing up at black metal concerts to try and save what they thought were panda bears screaming in agony [citation needed].

The Artwork

Ah, the cover art. A band's chance to show their creativity in multiple artistic categories or a total lack thereof. Guess which one's the case here.

Abigor - Apokalypse cover Enthroned - Towards The Skullthrone Of Satan cover

Mayhem - De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas cover Nokturnal Mortum - Goat Horns cover

No similarity here. None.

Aside the already mentioned motif of burnt down/dead things, the regulars include satanic imagery, band's self-portraits, dark forests (in the winter if possible) and an unhealthy obsession with gothic fonts and goats. Satan himself is probably rolling his eyes.

The Lyrics

Warning: you do not want to read the lyrics to a true black metal song all the way through. Ever. Just take our word. Amuse yourselves with fragments, but leave it at that. These guys sing unintelligibly for a reason.

Mayhem

The fewer words this guy utters you can make out, the better.

An obtain common word list function would, after a scan of a black metal lyrics site, return the following set of words: "Satan, demon, master, eternal, immortal, die, dark, forest, storm, necro, raven, frost, winter, moon, blood, North, for, the, and, in, I". This is literally everything there is to it. Combine any of those words (or their derivatives) and you're bound to find a song with that exact verse.

If you're writing lyrics, then usage of words other than those named here is highly discouraged. "Satan my master, eternal and immortal, in the dark forest I die for the Northern moon" is considered a fully written, legit black metal song. If you're desperately out of words, do what Immortal does and start slapping them together.

The Music

Black metal is usually identified by highly distorted, tremolo picked guitars, constant drum blast beats and rough, screechy vocals; which is all just fancy talk for it sounds like the official soundtrack to someone being burned alive.

The bass guitar is totally indiscernible and a good excuse to include a friend who can't play the simplest tune from the Mother Goose repertoir; the keyboards (if you have them) are a good way to include that one chick who hasn't broken off all contact with you upon your entrance into the blackness.

 

Sometimes she doesn't even need an instrument.

The sound is intentionally underproduced (though that trend seems to be fading) for that good old garage feeling ("Look Ma, I'm underground!").

Every portion of the sound has been pushed to the extreme by some band at a point in time, but the most prominent part of that are vocals.

Skip to the 4 minute mark.

If you've managed to listen to that track longer than a minute, congratulations! You're on a good way to become...

True (Or A Level 15 Black Wizard)

We've used this word several times now without explaining its meaning. Just what is True (mind you, True is not the same as the lowercase true)? Well, you see, True stands for those who are true in their hearts about the black metal philosophy. True stands for the truly raw sound. True stands for never selling out no matter what. But mostly it means the band in question can't play shit.

As you rise through the ranks of Blackery, you will be required to do lots of feats to prove your Trueness, such as sporting spikes over 5 inches long (to achieve level 3), sniffing a dead animal (to achieve level 7), performing a satanic ritual (to achieve level 11) and, finally, doing a personal and preferably a unique feat such as burning a church, offing yourself in a dark fashion or making a necklace out of skull fragments to achieve the final, fifteenth level as a black wizard. Upon your completion of the tasks, you will be presented with your thoroughly deserved True kvlt wizard hood.

Conclusion

They don't like each other and they sure don't like you. No matter how empty, dark and cold your existance is, they want you to know theirs will always be emptier, darker and colder. You should probably fuck off and die now.


11.2.13 Fuglymaniacs made to Fitzgeralds to see one of Houston's best local band that have managed to make it big . Scale The Summit & The Reign of Kindo.

At the end of 2006, Scale The Summit moved to Letchford's home town of Houston, Texas, where they released their self-released debut album, Monument. They slowly started to gain attention from magazines such as Kerrang, Rock Sound and Amp. A couple years later in 2009 they signed with Prosthetic Records and began working on their second album, Carving Desert Canyons. The release of the second album was extremely successful, earning the band a spot on the 2008 Progressive Nation Tour with Dream Theater. After a couple more years of touring in late 2010 to recorded The Collective.

Presently, they are starting a brand new world headlining tour in Houston. We are glad we made it to this show. The Migration is their new album and it's a great one. We wonder however, they can really sound that great live? The precision delivered in each song it's off the charts. The way Chris Letchford handles his guitar is amazing. All the musicians in the crowd were paying attention.

In some cases it felt more like a guitar clinic for those that aspire to be great with their own guitar.

Scale The Summit - Setlist for 11.2.13 Houston, Texas

Glacial Planet, Odyssey, Atlas Novus, Dark Horse, Dunes, Whales, The Levitated, Oracle, Evergreen, The Great Plains, Willow, Traveler, The Olive Tree, Narrow Salient.

Taken directly from them....

The Reign of Kindo is a band from Buffalo, New York signed to Candyrat Records.

According to the band's Facebook page, the members describe themselves simply as, "makers of music".Their style is altogether jazzier than most bands in the genre, "mixing complex jazz harmonies and dissonances with a Pop music influence. According to the band's recording studio videos, posted on YouTube by rpoland, they incorporate several other instruments in some of their songs, such as the Cello, the Tenor Saxophone, and many forms of auxiliary percussion. Examples of songs with these instruments include "Bullets in The Air", "Hold Out", and "City Lights and Traffic Sounds".

This band is new to us but their fans love these guys. They have a very easy listening feel incorporated with a little bit of rock. The crowd could not get enough...Enjoy!

Overall it was a good night of music...until next time stay tuned